Could use some feedback, really tore up about this

I feel like my heart's in a blender. I've been with a man for the last 8 years now (married for 1.5); we got together when I was very young and vulnerable in my life. Throughout our relationship I've always loved him, but I've never really felt like he was the one for me. I'm weak, though, any time I've tried to break up with him I just couldn't go through with it in an effort to not crush him/break his heart. I ended up cheating on him and he found out; we tried to take a break but still were intimate with one another and I ended up getting pregnant with him. I wanted to get an abortion but he didn't, and I didn't feel right doing it without him wanting it too. So we stayed together and patched things up, but I've always come back to the same feeling - I'm with him because I'm comfortable with our love, I'm not in love with him. I wanna cry just admitting it.

We ended up getting married and having another baby; I've dealt with my unhappiness by cheating on him again several times over the years after that first time (he doesn't know about that, by the way), but ever since being married I have stayed faithful because I am trying to be a good person and do right by him. We ended up moving for a new job I got, and we've befriended a couple in our neighborhood here. The female is someone I like (albeit she is pretty self-centered and rarely inquires to me about my life) and I have tried very hard to be close with her because it's very difficult for me to be in a new place where I have no family or friends. Her boyfriend of 5 years, well... He's a wonderful person who is genuine and caring and fun, and a lot like me in so many ways. Getting to know him I've felt real love for him, but never entertained the thought of being more than his friend given the current situation.

About two weeks ago he admitted to me that he truely loves me.

We've been caught up with each other since then, talking about our feelings and realizing that we are truely in love, but unable to do anything about it because of where we are in our lives. We've shared our feelings and yes, we've kissed, but out of respect for our significant others' we haven't done more than that at this point. We've talked about it and determined that there's really nothing else to be done other than to end our current relationships, but because we are in so deep we feel we must take it slow and let things play out. Our more frequent interactions have been picked up on by his girlfriend and yesterday she asked me point blank if there was anything between us. I said no and that we were just friends, and she went on to say that she's been getting strange vibes and that nothing better be going on because "it would ruin a lot of people's lives".

I'm shaking even just rehashing that. It's an awful feeling, that I'm a piece of sh*t person for loving someone. It's not even like it's lust or an escape. I'm fairly certain that what's going on here is true love; I can see us together for the rest of our lives (he's echoed this same sentiment to me), and my thoughts around him are thoughts of happy times together rather than thoughts of lust.

But of course, I'm racked right now with feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, and fear. It's really difficult to stay strong and continue just living my life as I always have at this point. I know now that I cannot stay in my marriage, but because we have kids I have to go about this in a very planned, careful way. In any case it will have to happen eventually; If you really love someone you wouldn't do what I have done, and you can't stay in a marriage just to keep a family together with the price being paid is that I forever feel unhappy and unfulfilled in my life.

I'm not even sure true love is real; it's a real leap of faith just believing that this man and I are not crazy and are really, truely in love. I'm just very alone with no one to talk to about this and it kills me. I have no idea how to handle my emotions right now. I feel like I can't stay far enough away from them at this point, but now I'm very torn up inside because it hurts to feel like loving someone, not even lusting after someone, is a bad thing.

Thoughts/feedback are most welcome. Thanks you for, at the very least, "listening" :-)