Self-Worth, Self-Acceptance

I feel I don’t meet these certain standards or requirements, so I get mad at myself. This gets me in a pissy mood. I hate all of life and adopt this sort of “fuck this shit” attitude. I get mad at myself, like “Whats wrong with me?” Cause I know I gotta do stuff to fix my problems, but I don’t want to. I just wanna lay around and get sympathy. And Ive given up self-loathing, cause I’ve given up on myself. I don’t feel anger at myself anymore. I don’t really feel myself anymore. I’ve mainly adopted just this bored, depressed way of looking at the world. It’s alternately a grim and boring place, or it’s this fantastic place full of surprises and excitements. And in this I’ve quantified human behavior. I did this in high school with my flute competition and grades and stuff. I do it now. I quantify human behavior, where you’re only worth something by how good you are. I’ve chosen art, so basically I only respect artists, and have decided I’m worthless unless I become on. I’m not saying I’m not inventive, I’m just saying I’m not that artistically inclined. Really, I need to get to a point where I can accept someone and like someone just for being them. I have a problem doing this, because if I do, it means that I’m acknowledging my own plainness, which totally ruins the well-respected artistic genius fantasy. I’ve tried to do stuff, but really I’m not that motivated, and the stuff has no soul.
I need to learn to like people for people, and like myself for just being a person. It’s very mechanical, like it’s just another test I have to pass to reach a higher rank. Even if I don’t know where I’m going, how do I get comfortable just being me, and people just being people? I keep looking for hidden rank, things I can do to get ahead, berating myself for the things I’m bad at. I’m a walking case of failures. Things I should do, things I don’t, things I did that were so wrong. I constantly need reassurance for my fake personality, the artist, latching onto one image for another. What I need to do just to relax?